Many of My Friends Don’t Know Me

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Friendship with Someone Living with Memory Loss or Dementia

Many of my friends don’t know who I am. I certainly know them, can tell you things about them, about their past and present. I can tell you names of their kids and grandkids. But they can’t tell you much about me. Many can’t tell you my name. If you asked them if they knew me they would likely say they do not. If they saw me they might say they know me, but maybe not. So many of the people who are my friends have dementia and live in memory care housing.

One of these friends of mine is Bob Miller. Like many friendships, Bob and I have mutual interests. We’ve talked about relatively impersonal things and some quite personal things, especially as our friendship has developed. We’ve talked about some mistakes in the past and lessons learned in life. We’ve talked about how much Bob’s family means to him and how grateful he is for all that God has blessed him with in his life.

Bob was in advertising. If you are a long time Twin Cities resident you may well have seen him on commercials. He worked a lot with several car dealerships and made television commercials for them often appearing in them himself. Though in his 80s if you met Bob you would quickly see how he could have been in commercials. He is friendly and outgoing. He has a clear and loud speaking voice. I am sure he was a good advertiser and good salesman. He comes across as genuine. If you hired Bob, he would do a good job for you and he wouldn’t try to get you to buy something you don’t need.

Bob and I have had many different conversations over the couple years I’ve known him. We’ve talked about Haywarden, Iowa where Bob’s grandparents lived. He spent a lot of time at their farm growing up. He spent a lot of time with his uncles there too who also farmed. For him, it was an idyllic place for him to visit as a kid with all of the animals and fresh air, the physical labor and good meals. He’s told me about the town itself and how the people who lived in the country would go into town on Saturday evening for their night of socializing and relaxation, about the bowling alley and the movie theater. These were great times that are remembered with tremendous joy.

When Bob was a senior in high school or maybe just a year out of high school he had a job as a ticket taker for the Minneapolis Lakers. He did this for a couple of years and the Lakers had tremendous teams winning championships both years.  He tells about the legendary George Mikan and can list off other players too. I’ve looked up these teams on my phone while talking and what I read jogs his memory of these teams and he tells more about them. He got paid to watch this team play. Jobs don’t get much better than that for an 18 to 20 year old kid.

We have talked about his military experience in the Air Force. Bob enlisted just after Korea but before Vietnam.  We’ve talked about my 3 uncles who are of the same generation who all enlisted at this same time. We’ve talked about how enlisting for a couple of years as a young man was pretty normal before staring a career or going to college at this time. We’ve talked about how this changed with Vietnam.  

We’ve talked about some things in Bob’s life that are more personal in nature and not conversations you have with someone you don’t know as a general rule.

In spite of all I can tell you about Bob if you asked him my name he would not know it. Bob would not be able to share too much about me. He wouldn’t be able to tell you details about my life or likely even conversations we’ve had about his. If you showed him my picture he may or may not say he even knows me.

But I am certain Bob is my friend. And this is not a one way street, I am Bob’s friend. I know that Bob likes me. Beyond just the clear enjoyment we’ve both had spending time with one another and the important things we’ve shared with one another, Bob has told me he likes me.  He’s told me this when he doesn’t know that I’m around. One time while in his room, he asked me if I knew the other minister who comes here, not me but the one who does worship services.  He told me how much he likes this guy and that I should meet him. I laughed inside but was also very grateful to hear this from someone who I think highly of.

I also know that Bob is my friend because he speaks to me as a contemporary. On more than one occasion, he has said off-handed about guys ‘our age’ or something similar. When Bob and I are talking he soon knows that he knows me. He sometimes is surprised at how much I know about him such as when I bring up Haywarden, Iowa. He’ll look surprised and ask, ‘How do you know about Haywarden?’ I tell him to look at his belt. He’ll see that’s he’s wearing his Haywarden, Iowa belt buckle as he always does.  Then he’ll smile his big and honest smile and tell me what a great place it is.

It would be nice in some ways if Bob could always remember me well.  But that doesn’t change how I feel about him nor do I believe it changes how he feels about me. If I needed someone to talk to and some advice, Bob would be there for me. I would trust him to be confidential about personal things anyway but I really know any secrets I would share would not be shared. If I needed something and Bob could help, I trust he would. I also know that if Bob’s memory were perfect, I would probably not know him. At the very least, I wouldn’t have spent the time with him I have and our friendship would not have developed the way it has.

I guess we mesh well, Bob and me. Bob is a good conversationalist. I don’t mind having a good conversation more than once. It’s like reading a book or watching a movie you like more than once. There is almost always something different you appreciate about it or some part that is new. If nothing else, I like seeing my friend enjoy the conversation.

I’ve been at Emerald Crest working with adults with dementia for 3 years this month. I am grateful for the many friendships that I have made over this time. I could have written this about many of your loved ones who live at Emerald Crest. It is wonderful to have so many friends, even if they don’t know who I am.

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Liz Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.