Family Visits to Memory Care: Easy or Difficult?
July 18, 2019
Is visiting a loved one easy or hard? It may depend on sharing the experience.
“It’s not easy for me either.”
In my role as Campus Pastor, I lead support groups for families and friends of our memory care residents. Anyone is invited whether or not they have a loved one at one of our houses, but by and large it is the family members of our residents who attend.
Support group attendance and visit frequency
Individual family members who attend support groups vary greatly, but a disproportionate number are those who visit often and do not have other family members who do the same. This happens for a variety of reasons. Sometimes, those attending the support group have emotional support from others, but their other family live at quite a distance so while they do visit, these visits are less frequent. Others who attend do have family nearby but these family visit their loved ones in memory care far less regularly, say once a month or only sporadically or with a large group of family.
Family support and support groups
The people in our support groups sometimes get the impression that it is the majority of people who have one person visit and that others in the family do not. While this is common, it does not seem to be nearly as common as the people in the support groups may believe. It may be that people who are the only ones active in care tend to need support groups more, while those who have several family members who visit will provide support to each other. Where several family members are involved, they tend to have less of a need for a support group, so the perspective gets skewed as a result.
The ease or difficulty of visiting: Barb and Rob
There is one common theme for those who visit regularly and have family who do not visit. These individuals often report how their family members tell them that it is “hard it is for them to visit” and how “easy it seems” for the person who does visit. To make this clearer, let’s say Barb, a daughter, visits mom in memory care 1-3 times a week. Rob, a son, comes twice a year, even though he only lives 20 minutes away. Rob tells Barb that he would visit more often, but it is so hard to see his mom this way. Rob tells Barb “you are so good at it,” and “It is easy for you, Barb”.
The Barbs of the world can sometimes feel resentful. They are happy to visit their loved one, and they visit out of appreciation and enjoyment, or out of a sense that it is the right thing to do. But they wish others did so as well. They may still visit just as often, or they may visit once a week if they knew others were visiting weekly as well. At the very least, if there was a week or two when they backed off or were away or not feeling well, they would know that mom wasn’t left without visitors.
These Barbs of the world are also very clear that the Robs of the world are wrong about something. It may appear easy to Rob for Barb to visit, but it isn’t. Some days are easier than others but some days are downright hard. It’s not easy for Barb to visit, but Barb just visits anyway. In general, it is true that the more often a person visits, the easier it is for them. But easier may be the wrong word. I think “less difficult” may be more appropriate. Or maybe it is just as difficult, but the Barbs of the world are more thoughtful or brave.
The point here is that it is not easy.
In some ways, being Barb who visits regularly can be harder than being Rob and not visiting, avoiding the difficultly. For Barb, knowing that she is the only who visits can make the visiting her mom in memory care that much harder just in being alone. Instead of sympathy from Rob and commonality, Barb can feel resentment or bewilderment, or may have to work through forgiving the Robs of the world.
Notes to Barb and Rob
If you are a Barb, thank you for what you do. Know that you may feel alone, but there are plenty of other Barbs who share your experience.
And if you are a Rob… you are probably not reading this, but if you are it is not too late. Ask Barb for help. Tell Barb how it is hard for you and you know it probably is for her too. But tell her that you want to do more. Apologize for not doing so sooner and start doing more now. Ask Barb for advice (Barb do your best to be patient and helpful because it will be good for all of you if you are). Rob, come to a support group and get advice from others. It won’t be easy, but you will be glad you did. You will have joyful times as well. It won’t always be easy, but it will get less hard and you will have the personal benefit of more gladness. There will be times when you visit when you will feel great, because mom will have a good day and your time will be meaningful. You will be a blessing not only to mom but to Barb and even to yourself.
Reverend Arlen Solem
Chaplain and Campus Pastor
For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-554-6379 or apsolem@augustanacare.org.
At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour.
Emerald Crest provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.
