Dementia Can Erode Our Supportive Relationships

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When a family member or friend has memory loss, our closest relationships and the emotional support they provide can suffer

One of the difficulties some people face in caring for someone with dementia is that the person with the dementia has been their primary support person in life. Often this can be a spouse, but not always.

Beth and Sandy, a Sister with Memory Loss

I know a woman, Beth, whose sister, Sandy has dementia.  These two sisters were the only children in the family. They were best friends and sisters growing up and as adults they remained best friends. 

Now, Beth’s sister has significant dementia. Beth has had challenging life events happen to her in the last couple of years. A basement was flooded, and many valuables destroyed and there was a tremendous amount of work with insurance and cataloguing the losses. Stress with extended family. Work stress. Sandy would have been with her through all of this. Some of the stresses would have been more on Sandy but now fall on Beth, as Sandy isn’t capable of handling these situations anymore.

Years ago, Sandy would have been providing Beth with tremendous emotional support. And even more so, Sandy would have been working with completing insurance paperwork. They would have been a team in much of this. They would have had some relaxing evenings in Sandy’s pool. But that’s gone now.

Beth is thankful that Sandy is still a sympathetic listener. She listens intently and is reassuring. Beth isn’t sure exactly how much of their discussions Sandy understands, and what she does may soon be forgotten. It’s still helpful to talk, but conversations always must be initiated by Beth.  Sandy can’t call Beth and check in on her. She can’t send her a funny card in the mail. She can’t swing by for a glass of wine.

Clare and Helen, a Mother with Memory Loss

Another woman I know, Clare, is an only child. Clare never married or had children. Clare’s dad died 40 years ago and her mom, Helen, has also been single ever since. They were so close during and after Clare grew up. Best friends. Mother and daughter. They would take trips and handled life’s ups and downs together.  In the last 15 years or so of her life, Helen would move into Clare’s house. Clare had some work done to insure it was good for an aging person, a walk in tub was installed. 

Eventually Helen developed dementia. Clare worked from home for much of this time, and things worked out well for quite a while this way. Then, the dementia progressed enough that Helen needed to be in a facility where there was round-the clock-care. Helen’s dementia was more than one person could handle safely. 

It was certainly stressful on both of them to not live together, but Clare had a regular visiting schedule.  Overall, things went pretty well this way most of the time. Clare got to be friendly with many of the staff and especially with her mother’s new housemates.

Helen would live in memory care for about a year and a half, but as time went along, Helen’s health would slowly start to fail. She lost weight. She took a sharp turn a month or two before she died. Overall, Helen had a good life but some things in her growing up left her feeling insecure at times. It was difficult in the last few days as Helen seemed to worry that Clare was hurting when they were together. Helen wanted to fight not necessarily for herself but for her best friend and daughter. Clare said Helen struggled to relax when she was present. 

These two people who were each other’s person, were both hurting, and both wanting the best for the other. They had each other through Clare’s dad’s death. They’d had each other through everything. When your mother is your closest person, you know that you will likely live much longer than her. You don’t think about that though. And even if you did, what would you do differently? That relationship is so precious, natural, real and lasting.

With the loss of someone so close, there is a huge void remaining. Certainly, Clare has friends and relationships and work and her church and other supports in her life, but Helen was the primary one. Visiting Helen, being involved in her care, having to think of her before every major and even some minor decisions, is all gone now. There’s a big void on top of the hurt of losing mom.

Support Groups Can Help

Both Beth and Clare have been support group regulars. They’ve had in common that their best friend is living in memory care. Talking about this with another person who understands has been important, and this is one of the many benefits of participating in a support group for caregivers of those with memory loss. Clare and Beth are both people who care so much and that’s why they hurt so much. 

Reverend Arlen Solem

Chaplain and Campus Pastor

In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.

For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.

At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour. For tours and general information, please contact Elizabeth Wendel at 952-908-2215.

Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.