A Caregiver’s Struggle: Deciding to Move a Loved One to Memory Care
August 10, 2021
Many articles discuss the difficulty in moving a loved one to a memory care facility, but rarely do we talk about the challenges faced by the caregiver making those tough decisions
Many of our residents who move in don’t think they need memory care. Many know they have some level of dementia or memory issues, but they don’t realize the extent of their loss. Ironically, when their cognition was better they may have recognized how bad it was. But now that memory issues are worse, it’s bad enough that they cannot recognize it in themselves.
So now they move in to one of our memory care houses without knowing that they cannot live on their own anymore. They move in not knowing how difficult it has gotten for their loved one who was caring for them.
These residents are living in a new place that someone else likely chose for them. A place where there are old people who seem to have cognitive issues (it is so common for our residents to see themselves as quite capable physically and cognitively but see the deficits in others). “It’s a nice place if you need it, but I don’t need it” is a comment I’ve heard.
Residents of memory care blaming those who care most
As these new memory care residents struggle to wrap their heads around what is going on, they can often blame their friends or family. Usually, it is the friend or family who is the closest, and often this person is at least one of those helping to make care decisions. Sometimes the person blamed is the only person making care decisions on behalf of their loved one – decisions made with the best interest of our residents in mind, but often that is not seen by our newer residents.
The loved one who has helped guide so many care decisions is trying to make wise and informed choices. They often spend many hours filling out paperwork, going to appointments, cleaning out a house or apartment, completing so many tasks out of love. Now they are being told how bad they are, by the very person they are helping.
Gratitude, or more blame?
The person doing the most good is being told they are terrible, that they have ruined their loved one’s life, they may say “Why did you put me here?” or “I want to go home,” even sometimes “I thought you loved me, but I guess not, or you wouldn’t have let them do this to me.” Hours of work and heartache, and yet this is the thanks that caregiving loved ones get when they are doing their best.
Sometimes the people receiving the blame will have the support of other family or friends. They are being thanked helped and encouraged by others. Sometimes not, though. Sometimes there are other, often minimally involved people, who question the choices a caregiver, or caregivers have made. “I don’t think he needs memory care,” or “She seemed fine when I talked to her on the phone the other day,” may be heard. Sometimes those who aren’t as aware of a loved one’s memory issues even feed the angst of our residents, telling them that they agree, they shouldn’t be in a memory care facility.
The good guy gets the blame. Those doing the most don’t get thanked by anyone it seems.
What I see among new memory care residents
The good news is that our residents adapt. I have been with Emerald Crest just over three years and I have seen it repeatedly. Sometimes people do well basically right away. Sometimes it takes a few days, a few weeks, or even a few months. I generally see people once a week, so often I can observe differences as our new people adjust, on a weekly basis. These changes may not be quite as easy for our staff to perceive when they see the person nearly daily. It’s like how you notice someone has lost (or gained) weight when you haven’t seen them for a while, in a way that you wouldn’t have noticed if you were around them every day. This week, our new person was a little less agitated than last week, and the next week they are friendly, then finally a week after that, they are seeming like they are at home, even if they would never tell you they lived there.
Other changes and adjustments beginning memory care
Sometimes there are medication changes, sometimes not. Our staff are getting to know people too, so they are learning what to do and not to do with our residents. Even with dementia our minds are so marvelous. Our minds help us adapt even when we don’t realize it. Residents will get to know me, and I can tell they know me, but they may not realize that they know me.
Trust that, even though it can be a struggle, your loved one will adjust. They will be much happier in their new environment than they think. Some of our residents love their new home in ways that neither they nor they family ever would have guessed. It just takes time, sometimes a little time, and sometimes a bit longer.
Caregivers: Thank you for your work, done out of love
If you are a caregiver, or a loved one of a resident who is doing anything but thanking you, I want to thank you. Our staff wants to thank you. It must be so hard to be doing your best with the best intentions and being told how awful or uncaring you’ve been by the very person you are helping. You may never get thanks from that person in this life. The fact that you get grief for your love and hard work is more reason that you deserve thanks. In the next life, when you meet again, your loved one will thank you.
Reverend Arlen Solem
Chaplain and Campus Pastor
In gratitude, thank you so much to all of our volunteers and donors who make all of the work we do at Cassia possible. Your contributions are greatly appreciated and needed to ensure we are able to fulfill our mission.
For questions about our spiritual care program, or if you would like spiritual care and support for you or your loved one, contact Chaplain Arlen Solem at 612-263-0503. or Arlen.Solem@cassialife.org.
At Emerald Crest, we offer a deep knowledge of memory care in a specialized assisted living setting for seniors with Alzheimer’s and dementia-related conditions. We encourage you to contact us directly with any questions or request a tour.
Emerald Crest by Cassia provides memory care in a unique environment, specifically designed to support those with cognitive issues. Utilizing this exceptional model of care, individuals with dementia, Alzheimer’s and related conditions can flourish in positive relationships and participation in meaningful activities. Memory care is offered in the Minneapolis – Saint Paul area with communities in four convenient locations: Shakopee, Burnsville, Minnetonka and Victoria, MN.
